Any lucky man in your life? Why are women still asked this inappropriate question?

Recently I messaged a distant family member to see how she was doing. I heard she was going through a rough patch and really wanted to check in, make sure she was ok and schedule in a carefree night out - if of course she was up for it. Let's call her Janice for the purposes of this article. (I know some of you are already thinking of Janice in the series FRIENDS. I too had that thought the moment my hands typed Janice on the keyboard!!).

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Janice how are you? I heard about XYZ. How are you holding up? Would love to meet and catch up. Let me know if you are up for it.

Janice: Maria, so lovely to hear from you. I'm ok.... Would be nice to meet up. How have you been? What's new?

Me: I'm good. Oh so many things have changed for me. I left my old job a year ago and since then my life has changed for the best. I'm less stressed and have more time to focus on the things I love. I now have my own podcast and am finally back into blogging and I am travelling again which I missed so much!

Now please stop for a second to think what YOU would have responded to my last message. What question would you ask next? What information from your own life would you potentially share? And now read on to see what Janice responded!

Janice: Amazing. Any lucky man in your life?

I paused for a second wondering why the conversation had shifted to become about an imaginary man. So I responded:

Me: Meeting someone is not my priority right now.

But of course me trying to make a point that I am not interested in meeting someone at the moment was again ignored and I was put back in my place and told that:

Janice: I'm sure there is a great man out there for you

Lets think about this for a second ...

My thoughts

I had just shared with Janice some changes I had made in my life over the past year and some great (well at least great in my mind) achievements that had followed. But these all seemed to have gone out of the window, were minimised, ignored and considered worthless, because a "lucky man" was more important that anything else a woman could dare to think or want.

Also the fact that meeting someone was not my priority was also dismissed, as why would that not be a priority for a woman? That should clearly be our only priority, right? (I hope you can sense the sarcasm here). And then I started to think whether it is appropriate for anyone to ask you if you are dating someone. What do you think? Is it appropriate? Is it ever appropriate? Read on to see my thoughts on this topic.

Minimisation

Firstly, if it was me on the receiving end of this conversation I am sure that I would have been more interested in finding out the name of the podcast, what the blog was about and I would definitely want to congratulate the other person for making changes and having benefited so much from them. Now before you start thinking I was looking for validation from Janice, I assure you I was not, I am just stating how I would have responded to this.

But with the comment "any lucky man in your life" and "I'm sure there is a great man out there for you", I felt so confused and to be honest quite upset. It really hit me that my own achievements meant nothing, as it seemed that everything evolved around 'meeting a lucky man'. Why have women been conditioned to believe that everything starts and ends with meeting a lucky man? And to top it all off, Janice was a single mother of 3 who had gone through a messy and difficult divorce. It really shook me that after that she still maintained this belief of female value only existing when you meet a man. This made me sad and wondered why she struggled to see value in anything else.

Sexuality and being single

Another thought that kept crossing my mind and something that bothered me was that Janice assumed my sexuality. I might be a cis straight woman, but Janice did not know that. For all she knew, I could have been attracted to women, or both/multiple genders, or I could even be into dating multiple people of one or many genders. I could have even been asexual or just at a point in my life where I just wasn't interested in dating anyone. I could have sworn to celibacy or decided that I am in a committed relationship with myself. This expectation and assumption that we all have the same relationship goals and heteronormativity just blows my mind. Is being single by choice not allowed in today's time and age?

If you are a woman, especially a cis straight woman, I would actually challenge you the next time you are asked if you have met a luck man, to respond with the following: "why have you assumed my sexuality?:" and wait for the jaw drop...

I do actually think though, that the more we say this, the less we will get asked, and possibly people will actually stop minimising our achievements outside of meeting someone!

Inappropriate Questions

Lastly, I kept thinking how easily people ask you about your relationship status and I started to recall in which situations in my life had I been asked if I had met a lucky man. At family gatherings by that aunt, at work by a colleague I barely knew, in social gatherings like my high school reunion. I remember every time I would feel uncomfortable having to give them an update of who I was dating or justify why I was single. And what's even more fascinating is that in none of these settings do I remember a man being asked a similar question.

But going back to the Janice conversation, I had only shared with her my work status and some new achievements in my life regarding my career. So why did she think it was appropriate to ask me about my dating/personal life? We are not that close and I did not open a channel for such a communication. If I had wanted her to know that I was single or that I was seeing someone, would I not have told her?

I started to think back if I have ever asked this question myself to another woman. And to be honest I don't recall doing so. Even with my close friends, I let them tell me when and if they want to tell me. So when is it appropriate to ask if someone is seeing someone or met a lucky man? I would say, as a rule of thumb, unless you want to date that person, then ask nothing.

TOP TIP: So here is a tip in case you do want to date the other person...Instead of saying "any lucky man in your life" and assuming the other persons sexuality, how about using the following phrase introduced to be by my soul sista Nicoletta:

Are you straight/gay enough for me to buy you a drink (go out on a date with me)?

Select straight/gay or something else according to your own sexual orientation and according to the person you want to ask out on a date.

Change the narrative

Before I go let's re-write this conversation....Since I am related to Janice, lets just say its safe to assume that she doesn't want to date me (or at least I hope not!). So here is how the conversation should have gone (in my opinion obviously):

Me: Janice how are you? I heard about XYZ. How are you holding up? Would love to meet and catch up. Let me know if you are up for it.

Janice: Maria, so lovely to hear from you. I'm ok.... Would be nice to meet up. How have you been? What's new?

Me: I'm good. Oh so many things have changed for me. I left my old job a year ago and since then my life has changed for the best. I'm less stressed and have more time to focus on the things I love. 

Janice: I am so happy for you Maria. I remember last time that you mentioned you were very stressed in your previous job. 
A Podcast? Wow that sounds really cool! what is that and the blog about?

Me: The blog is called The Pitrax Theory and is a deposit of my  thoughts. I will send you the link and also a link to the Podcast which is travel related! I hope you like it.

Janice: Amazing. Looking forward to reading it and hearing the podcast. Let me also revert with some dates to meet up. 

Can you feel the shift in energy? The sisterhood?

Lets start celebrating all women's successes whether small or big, with or without a lucky man!

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