F*ck your positive vibes - How to handle toxic positivity
- Maria Pitrakkou
- Nov 13, 2024
- 7 min read
“I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.” Walt Disney
How many times have you vocalised a problem only to get responses like "Positive vibes only", "Channel positive vibes", "Just think positive thoughts and positive things will come", etc, etc, etc? In that moment, not only do you know that "positive vibes" are not going to solve the issue, you also feel angry that the person opposite you is completely oblivious to how real life works. I secretly roll my eyes in such moments and kind of want to respond "Positive vibes are not going to solve my problem hon, are they? So f*ck your positive vibes". Of course I didn't do that, and instead have thought a lot about the topic as I have noticed it on multiple occasions. What can do though in such situations and how to change the narrative?
Keep reading to find out more...
A personal story to share
I remember in 2022 I was in a really difficult situation. I was asked by my job at the time to move from London to Germany and I needed to be there physically no later than the 1st of May. Although initially I was considering it and trying to find the positives in the situation, I knew deep down that the move was not for me. The clock was ticking and I had no other alternative options. I started applying for other jobs in London and was getting rejected one job after another.
My stress levels started to go through the roof and my mental health down the drain. The monthly cost of my flat would literally eat into all of my savings in no time, so quitting without another job was not an option, and to be honest I knew that would increase my stress levels even more. I felt absolutely helpless and had no idea how to start pulling myself back into the direction I wanted to go. I know I was lucky to even have a job, but in order to keep it, I needed to move to another country and that was something I was really struggling to come to terms with.
So I went for a walk with a friend and was vocal about how stressed I was and that I had no idea what to do. The response I got was "Think positive and everything will work out", "Don't think about it too much, just follow your heart", "Everything happens for a reason".
I literally wanted to slap this friend and start screaming in the park. I had less than 4 weeks to find another job, and thinking positive was neither going to find me another job nor was it going to pay my bills. I'm not the type of person that just loves to vent my problems for the sake of it. I have a solution oriented personality and want to actually find practical and feasible solutions to the problems I face.
I felt so annoyed at the response this friend had but didn't know how to articulate it. But guess what? There is a term for this, and it's called toxic positivity!
Yes people, there is a term for this! After reading my personal story, I'm sure that you have already identified that one person, whether at work or in your personal circle, who dishes out the "positive vibes only" advice.
When faced with a challenge, sometimes we need some encouragement, but we also need to be realistic, and I'm sure we can agree that "positive vibes" is probably not the encouragement we are looking for.
Toxic Positivity
Just to set the record straight before I dive into this term, being positive in general is not toxic. Some people naturally are able to find the positives in situations instead of constantly dwelling on the lack of something and negatives in each situation, while others are able to do this through working on it. I am not taking about this. This is optimism.
Instead I am talking about the expectation to only show positive emotions and the belief that negative thoughts about anything should be avoided. This includes invalidating feelings and also a lack of empathy.
Toxic Positivity is the pressure to show only positive emotions, suppressing and denying any negative feelings or experiences. It invalidates the negative experience and acts like thinking positive is the solution to all problems. |
But there are so many emotions that we are faced with throughout life and all emotions are valid and shouldnt be suppressed in order to only see things though a positive lens. Many events in life will naturally evoke feelings of sadness. In therapy (if you go to therapy that is! If you don't, maybe you should consider it? Just sayin!) you may learn about the emotional chart and how to navigate through the different emotions and the subcategories within each. The positive emotions don't account for even half of all of the emotions described on the chart; they are barely above a quarter.
Some could say that toxic positivity is a form of gaslighting (the most current mainstream term used when someone causes you to question your own sense of reality). I am no specialist in gaslighting, so I will just say that buying in to the "positive vibes only" expectation, we are invalidating and suppressing so many emotions, instead of learning to work though them.
And before anyone starts pointing to spiritual teachings, if you were to look into it a bit deeper you will see that no spiritual teaching talks about only being positive. For example the emotional guidance scale (22 emotions) denoted in the book called "Ask and it is given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks, there is reference to all emotions and its is clearly stated that you cannot jump from a negative one to a positive one immediately, but instead that it is a gradual process to climb the emotional guidance scale.
Handling toxic positivity
If you know me, you know that I'm not one to just vocalise something without providing a solution. I find it so important to be able to identify the issue, but also provide ways to on how we can respond in such situations. When you are on the receiving end of toxic positivity, you don't need to react in accordance to the title of this post (!). What can you do though?
Practice self empathy
Your feelings are valid and should be respected by you and others. We have been so conditioned to suppress and invalidate our emotions that we cannot even accept them as real. It really "is ok to not be ok" and sometimes allowing yourself the space to acknowledge that really helps and also allowing yourself space to sit with the negative emotions you are experiencing.
Express your truth
One misconception I believe exists in todays society is that we need to tell our friends everything. And then, it is our human nature for the person hearing our problems to want to help. I personally find that I prefer to speak to my therapist about certain things instead of my friends. A therapist will also help you learn the tools to work through uncomfortable emotions. If however I do decide to talk to my friends, I find myself stating upfront, what my needs are. If I want advise I say it, if I don't, I say that too.
Boundaries
It is ok to place boundaries with someone who is giving you toxic positive advice. You don't have to participate in the conversation, nor do you need to put the other person in their place and explain the wrongdoing. I honestly think that most of the times, the person offering toxic positive advice is not even aware or the harm or the additional stress they are adding. You can practice healthy ways of ending the conversation by simply saying something along the lines of "This discussion is really not helping me. My feelings are valid so lets just leave the discussion here." Or "I really just need to vent right now. I'm not looking for any advice. Do you have the emotional capacity to listen to me?"
Change the narrative
What about if we are the person who is dishing out the toxic positivity? If you are reading this and recognise that you are in some cases that person, firstly kudos to you for admitting it. It takes a lot of courage and self awareness to be able to do that. And since I too at times have been guilty of blurting out the "positive vibes only" crap, below are some steps I can recommend to change the narrative.
We are all on our own path, and a different one for that matter. Being able to hold space for the other person and understand they are on a different path is the first step to stepping out of the toxic positivity narrative.
Listen to what the other person has to say
Acknowledge their experience
Validate their feelings
Ask them if they need help/want advice.
Active listening, in my point of view, is one of the hardest skills to cultivate. We are so focused on what we want to say that we don't even hear what the person opposite us is saying. And as previously said, we feel the need to constantly offer the other person advice, when we don't even know if that is what they are asking for. This is referred to as unsolicited advise and expect a whole other post to come out about it!
Now you are probably wondering what to say instead of all of the things you have been saying to date. Don't worry, I have you covered there too. The table below, gives you many examples of phrases you can chose from instead of those in the first column.
Of course remember that you always have the choice to also say nothing. Silence with maybe just a small smile of compassion is probably always a better option than "positive vibes only".
Examples of toxic positivity | Alternative things to say |
"Good/Positive vibes only" "Everything happens for a reason" "Just stay positive" "Focus on the positives" "Happiness is a choice" "Be grateful for what you have" | "I hear you" "This must be hard for you" "I'm here for you if you want to talk" "Is there something I can do to help?" "Would it help to look at potential solutions together?" |
Comments